My b[itch]log

2004-01-09T12:28:00.000-05:00

You think YOUR weather is Bad???
It's -22 C in Toronto today. In case you are wondering what the heck "C" is, it's Celsius btw. This temperature equals to -7.6 F! Yep you heard me. Can humans survive in this weather BARELY!! How cold does it have to get before they cancel work???!

Oh and btw it's -33C (-27.4F) with wind-chill. So stop complaining about your weather and pray for us!

2003-10-23T17:43:00.000-04:00

Go Britney... and Madonna!
(Anti-Britney people just SHUT THE HELL UP!)
I'm ADDICTED to the new Britney's video featuring Madonna, Me Against The Music (you will need Yahoo id to see it)

2003-10-23T14:31:00.000-04:00

Muffin
I was eating my breakfast this morning, when a co-worker passed by my desk. There was this awkward moment when our eyes met. And I guess, to make this moment a little less "awkward", I said: "yep, just eating my muffin..."

2003-10-17T17:14:00.000-04:00

I'm just Selfish
"I don't want a kid. Some people say they don't want to bring a child into this world, as if there's something wrong with the world...I don't feel any of that, the world is okay. I'm just really lazy. " - grouphug.us

Replace the word "lazy" with "selfish"... and you got my view on having kids!

P.S. Don't go to that site! You'll get addicted!... trust me!

2003-10-17T12:11:00.000-04:00

Can I borrow your ultraviolet light please?
i don't know what it is about hotels but if you are a couple traveling together, you are guaranteed to have twice (or 3 or 5 or 10 times) as much sex than usual. isn't that true? and that thought really frightened me.. i mean just imagine how many cum splatters there are all over each and every single room in a hotel... beds, sofas, walls, carpets... it's all probably been covered with something disgusting at one point or another...

i'll be sleeping outside of my hotel tonight, thanks.

2003-10-16T11:43:00.000-04:00

Smelling Like Roses
Yesterday I had to make a delivery to one of my clients. She lives in a gorgeous (read "expansive") part of city that I very much like. While walking down the sidewalk, admiring all the beautiful stores (that were still open at 8 o'clock at night!)... i stepped on a pile of shit. I thought no big deal... just wipe it off on the grass. But boy did it stick! There was nothing I could do to get rid of the smell.

So there I was, in a posh neighbourhood, approaching a million dollar mention, delivering high end (expansive) products... and smelling like shit! I don't think this client will be ordering anything from me any time soon.

The foul smell followed me all the way home. Finally when I got home I left my shit shoe outside which made my husband very curious.

This morning I got dressed and sure enough, out of 100 pairs of shoes, the shit shoes are the ones that matched my outfit the best. So I sat on the veranda scraping shit of my shoe this morning. When I was done with that, I sprayed sanitizing spray all over it... just to make sure no more shit smell would remain. I must say, so far so good... I'm smelling like roses today!

2003-10-09T12:32:00.000-04:00

Grandpa's Accident
i just couldn't resist.. i had to put this up as an acknowledgment of cool/funny writing. I want my bosses to learn a sense of humour from these people :)

from WB & REPRISE RECORDS NEWSLETTER:
"Group e-mail is a wonderful, wonderful thing with just one drawback: the "reply all"; button. Like the throw rug at the top of the stairs, it seems harmless until the day grandpa trips and tumbles two flights down. At our record company, employees send emails when something cool happens, like an artist gets on the radio or a lead singer makes bail. That's good. This is bad: instead of responding in private, every over-caffeinated schlub on staff has to "reply all" in huge purple font with "way to go!", "great job!" or "I'll kill you for stealing my thunder you no-talent bastard." This nonsense is filling up our inboxes and distracting us from the spam about cheap sex and home loans. Make it stop. And don't "reply all" with your comments either."

2003-10-07T12:33:00.000-04:00

The Magic of Humour
Went to see a friend of mine in a hospital yesterday. What an eerie place it is! Why can't they paint it bright happy colors and have stuffed toys and plants everywhere? That would make it look a bit warmer, wouldn't it?

My friend is hooked up to an IV. So every time she gets up to wash or go to the bathroom, she has to roll the equipment along with her. My approach to this visit is to cheer her up and make her want to get out of there. Firstly, I said that she had enough of the holiday, she needs to get back to work. (It might sound silly.. and maybe it did.. but it's also how you say it what makes a big difference). Then I offered to "wheel her to the bathroom" and couldn't help but make her and myself laugh. Again, you can't say this to a stranger.. It's only to someone you love... and who understands your twisted sense of humour. I talked about things that were happening in our line of work: new products, new projects. She got excited about it, and it looked like she couldn't wait to get back to it all.

When I first came in to her room, she looked so sad and lifeless.. By the time when I was leaving, she was making jokes and smiling. To an outsider my jokes might not have been in the best taste, but I know my friend appreciated every single one of them!

2003-08-27T17:28:00.000-04:00

The final word on nutrition and health

For those of you who watch what you eat... Here's the final word on nutrition and health, and it's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies:

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

6. Ukrainians drink a lot of vodka, eat a lot of perogies, cabbage rolls and suffer fewer heart attacks than the Canadians, British or Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[wish I knew who wrote this... a brilliant mind!]

2003-07-30T10:51:00.000-04:00

Toronto Rocks
"The largest one-day ticketed event in North American history"

Don't you wish you lived in Toronto now?? ;)

2003-07-18T10:36:00.000-04:00

Automated Mail Response
"Thank you for your recent correspondence concerning [the lipstick article]. Our automated mail handler has parsed your communication and has determined that the following response is applicable to your comments:

Your comments demonstrate a flawed understanding of the item you remarked upon.
Please ensure you fully read and comprehend articles on www.snopes.com prior to submitting comments on their contents."

ROTFL :D

2003-07-17T13:41:00.000-04:00

Lip DISservice
Open Letter to Barbara Mikkelson
Re: Lead in Lipsticks

Dear Barbara "lip service" Mikkelson,
My first question to you... Do you work for FDA or a big cosmetics corporation? Because that would explain why you so passionately defended FDA in your article. Yes, we know FDA does its job. But don't tell me Food and Drug Administration never had to reconsider its positions on some issues! The same could be with lead and other toxins that might be present in lipsticks and other cosmetics. Today it might be okay, but in 20 years from now it could be banned and illegal (after someone discovers a link between those chemicals and, say, cancer)...

Now, as for the actual test of the lipstick... Did you even try to do it??? You go on discarding the test by saying that it's an "optical illusion created when a slash of lipstick is applied to the back of the hand". Well who said we should try in on the back of the hand?.. I did it on my palm... And I did it without expecting it to work (there goes your theory about me really wanting to see something). But in addition to that, I did the test on HALF of the stripe that I drew on my palm, which gave me a better view of what color the lipstick was before.

Since I am not a chemist (and I suspect neither are you), I can't explain why it turned black. But the test worked. So next time if you write an article about something make sure you actually try it or at least talk to people who have.

[the end]

2003-06-09T12:26:00.000-04:00

Porn Star
Oh ok.. I guess I should tell you what made this weekend ever more special besides the garage sales. After intensive bargain hunting, my hubby and I went to a local food market. Streets were too small, air was too stinky and too many rude people were surrounding me. I was not happy. We sat down outside a café for a short break. The view was boring... until a woman walked by. She wore 6 inch pumps which nicely elevated her above the dirt the rest of us had to walk on. I thought to myself: "Nice attire for grocery shopping.". She stopped by the fruit and veggie stand and a couple of photographers started hovering over her.... I turned to my husband... and without missing a bit I said: "She doesn't have any close on under the coat". To which I got a very strange look from my husband. The kind that said: "wishful thinking? or have you completely gone nuts?".

Well the cameras started clicking, the coat got unbuttoned.. and sure enough, she had her birthday suit on. First, her left nipple peaked out of the coat, then the right. [To which my husband commented: "Her nipples are too hard". Yeah.. rrrright.] Then her bald beaver made an appearance. [there was no comment from my husband at that point.]. So she played with fruits for a while. She put a melon (a real one) next to her melon (a fake on) while cameras clicked away. Then she looked at me, I smiled but didn't say anything inappropriate like "you go girl" or anything. Then she must have gotten tired playing with fruit. She buttoned her coat up and walked away like a model walks on a catwalk.

With excitement being over and everything, I looked at photographers. And what's that? There was a guy with a camcorder there.... I didn't see him before (I guess my mind was somewhere else). The guy was pointing his device (camera that is) right at me!! Gawd knows how long he had been standing there for..... and recording ME!... my reaction... my drooling mouth [ok.. just kidding on the last one ;)]. I whispered to my hubby: "has he been there all this time". He replies: "of course! didn't you see him?" nooooo!!! I wasn't looking at him!! Anyway, I made a lame attempt to turn away... but obviously it was too late. I was recorded. And odds are pretty good that they will include me in their final production. So there you have it... Yours truly is an _unwilling_ participant in a latest "public thrills" porn movie. Let that be a lesson to you! Next time you see a woman taking her clothes off in public... just walk away....

2003-06-09T11:19:00.000-04:00

Perfect Weekend
Garage Sales. Yard Sales. Moving Sales. Whatever you call them, it all means one thing - DEALS!! There is no better way to spend your weekend than drive around (or in my case - walk around, bike around or streetcar around) looking for garage sales! I only wish there was a way for me to visit ALL garage sales in my city every single weekend. I wish I could be the first person at every sale. I wish.... oh never mind! back to reality... Well and the reality is not all that bad. This weekend's catch: a case of "Juice It" gel body washes from Body Shop (a CASE!!... at a garage sale? i don't ask questions.... i just pay and enjoy it); two leather wrist bands from Cyberfetish (KINKY! :D ... btw with original price tags still on - $16.99 each... obviously not the price I paid); Hot Air Curling Iron (NEW!... works fantastic!!); and some other stuff that just doesn't sound as impressive as the things mentioned above... like books, salad spinner, paper cutter, etc. All in all this was a very productive weekend!

2003-06-05T11:39:00.000-04:00

Nutty Obsession
My latest craze (drum roll please....) - Coconut Oil. You might be thinking: "Are you nuts?" [hehe]. "You have nothing better to obsess about?". Well first let me tell you how it all started...

One lovely morning I was sitting at work and thinking: "Yeah.. there's gotta be something wrong with my thyroid... let's do a search on google and see what I find." And Lord Behold I landed on Tropical Traditions webpage. It talks about how wonderful coconut is for you.. blah blah blah.. and "eat fat, loose weight"... blah blah. Well that all sounded great, but my first concern was - are those guys selling me anything? Sure enough, they were selling coconut oil. Okay, so half of what they said could be marketing BS. So I did a search on "coconut oil" and found Ray Peat's article about coconuts, their benefits and how nobody should leave without them. Now that article had a huge impact on me. First of all, it was written by a scientist. Second of all, nobody was selling coconuts to me on that site... :) and it just sounded really convincing.

So imaging someone with obsessive personally getting their hands on this info! My will was being tested the very second I read the final sentence on that page. I so wanted to order the oil right there, right that second! But the though of instant gratification that I could get from purchasing the oil from a health store right after work won over this urge.

But of course, as you could have guessed, I didn't get the oil that day. The stupid job of mine was the reason why I was late getting to the heath store. It's ok.. my brain quickly (or as quickly as it could after a day of mind-numbing tasks) calculated the alternatives I had that night. 1 - Ask my husband to go to the grocery store and get it for me. 2 - go to the "quickie mart" around the corner and see what they had with coconut in it.

Success! #1 - my husband came back with coconut butter that evening (which turned out to be the same as coconut oil, only it's called that when it's in the solid state). #2 - i walked out of the corner store with Bounty chocolate bar, coconut milk, shredded coconut and coconut maroons. Ok, ok.. so I went a little overboard. But can you really blame me when the benefits of coconut oil are so great!!! ;)

2003-05-21T16:59:00.000-04:00

lmk..... LOL
I thought I'd change the mood a bit on this site by including my friend's thoughts on "lmk"...

(lmk = let me know.... for those of you out there that are still confused about what it really stands for)

2003-05-21T12:49:00.000-04:00

Restaurant Bitch
Have you ever had a bad service in a restaurant? Sure you have! And it makes you wonder... don't those people want tips? Well with crappy service like that they sure not gonna get any from me!

This weekend my husband and I went to a restaurant. This pink haired punk wannabe greeted us with 1 (i repeat: ONE) menu... for the two of us. Not a good start already. Then I asked her for the breakfast menu.. Her response was that they stopped serving it 5 min ago. Don't tell me that bitch! Just run along and whip a few eggs for me and nobody gets hurt. Well right there you know it's a shitty place when on a long weekend they don't have all day breakfast.

Ok.. I picked something. Then I asked her for some extra mayo. Well excuse me! It's 30 cents extra! Ok... right there you know I will go broke in a place like that.

Then she brings me the drink I ordered and noted that she blended the ice and juice together by mistake, therefore making it a slushy. (At lease she was nice enough to admit to it). Gawd! Can you do ANYTHING right?! I was again willing to take it up my ass and not complain and said thank you. Then I attempted to taste the drink through a regular straw that she gave me... and guess what? The drink wasn't moving... DUH!! That straw was not meant for slushies. That's when I called her, explained my predicament (all in the nice tone of voice and with a smile) and suggested she brings me the new drink with ice (not crushed) the way it was suppose to be. To which she gave me the dirties look and said: "Just let the drink sit... it'll melt...". No, bitch.. I am thirsty now... and I want to drink my f*cking drink NOW. But on top of all that I hate slushies!! I was going to be nice enough person and suffer with the drink... if only I could drink it. That little bitch was obviously very "displeased". But the hell is she so upset about??? It's not like she has to pay for it!! I, on the other hand, have to pay for it. So it only makes sense I get what I pay for. Well in the end I still didn't get what I paid for... I think she poured some of the slushy out added some ice (may be some spit too) and brought it back to me. Thanks a lot!

Oh and the mayo I asked for.. never arrived. Needless to say, I am not going to that place again and that bitch did not get a tip from me. Moral of the story? Don't f*ck your customers. Be nice! You are in a service industry... if you can't handle it, find another job!

2003-05-21T12:10:00.000-04:00

Maid Wanted
Have you ever sold your house? What a nightmare! I'm not even referring to the selling process... I'm talking about cleaning the house for the crowds that will be walking through your house (with their shoes on.. probably), snooping through your closets and judging you by every little thing they see around them.

I've been cleaning and putting stuff away for the past week... and I am still not done. This morning before going to work guess what I did? That's right... more cleaning! I need a maid!!!

2003-05-16T17:28:00.000-04:00

Stop Barking!
Have you ever listened to Wolf FM? (if no.. then my question to you is.. what the hell do you do all day? work??)... anyway... if you ever listened to this station then you probably heard a few advertisements done by a voice "talent" Jane Monreal. This chick's voice ANNOYS the HELL out of me. One of her most annoying commercials is called 'see plain jane.com'... It starts with: "ok girls, it's just us talking now..." (if you have no idea what i'm talking about check out this page and click the link beside her name). ARGH!!!! Can someone strangle that woman PLEEEEASE!!! (for those who don't get my humour.. i'm JOKING.. yeah.. the next thing you know i'm giving a statement to the police saying "i was just venting on my site.. i really didn't mean all those things i said"...)

2003-05-16T12:18:00.000-04:00

Blonde Invasion (sounds like porn movie title... not that i would know anything about porn...)
How many blondes (fake blondes) can we have in this country? Everywhere you look you see blondes... It's like if you don't have long hair and blonde highlights, you are just not cool enough. You can even see those overtanned blonde bimbos giving you a i-feel-sorry-you-are-not-a-blonde-like-me look. Hate them!

2003-05-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

[remember, it all started with a wrong cup of coffee....] ahhh.. this day is getting better and better! Just opened my mail. Got a "notice of reassessment" from the great government of ours. Oh what good news can they bring me today? Well according to their records I owe them $8,000. Anyone has spear 8K? rrrrright... And on top of that they mailed it to the wrong address. So the letter bounced around for a while and finally (3 months later) made it to my house. Of course since I didn't pay the "outstanding" balance in time they also charged me $500 interest rate. WTF?! I don't think even credit cards charge this much.

Just for the record.. of course, I'm objecting it.. and, of course, they are wrong. Third of my paycheck goes to the government every single month.... so it's pretty safe to say I don't owe them ANYTHING.

Ahhh... I couldn't have chosen a better day to start my b[itch]log...

2003-05-15T16:00:00.000-04:00

Let's get this bitching journal started with a story about a cup of coffee. You know you need it to get through the day. You know you take it a certain way, like black (yuck! why would you do this to yourself?), "double-double", etc. Well I like my coffee a certain way too - 3 creams, 1 sugar.... not 1 cream, not 3 milks, not 3 sugars... TREE creams and ONE sugar. Well this morning I asked just that. The cashier asked me to repeat that. I said the same thing just sloooower... maybe he wasn't quite awake yet. Well sure enough when I got to work and started dinking that damn coffee it had ONE cream and TREE sugars. That little f*cker.... WHY THE F*CK did you ask me to repeat myself?! So you can get it wrong on purpose?